Jumpstart Her Confidence - Lesson 2
Yesterday I told you the story of a huge mistake I made and how it brought me to my knees.
First, I was 7 months pregnant (wayyy too late to be deciding whether being a mom fit me or not)
Then, rather than being honest with myself I stuffed by fears way down and pretended like I had everything under control.
And I proceeded run head first into the proverbial roadblock.
I literally and figuratively was stopped in my tracks because my unborn baby's health relied on me for everything.
Me eating well.
Me taking care of myself.
Me enjoying the process.
This was my mothering philosophy:
I hated myself.
I had lost sight of the WHY I had become pregnant in the first place.
As a result, I zombie walked through the first few months of pregnancy, got way out of touch and suffered while silently beating myself up.
Let me ask you a question…..
Would you ever start out on a backpack trip without ever knowing where you wanted to end up?
No. That would be silly.
Yet the #1 mistake you are making is not clearly articulating WHAT you want your daughter to achieve and WHY you want her to achieve it BEFORE you start.
But don’t worry, we’re going to fix that. :)
Yesterday, I gave you two action items:
Action item #1: Write down your #1 goal.
Action item #2: Clearly articulate your WHY.
The responses that came in were incredible.
Here is one of my favorites (click to zoom in).
Pay attention to her WHY and look at her response when I followed up with her.
If you didn’t write down your WHAT and WHY yesterday, take 5 minutes and do that now.
We’ll wait on you.
Once you finish, hit reply and share it with me.
How to reach your goal
Now you’re super clear on what you want...
• “For her to know how smart she is.”
• “For her to have a strong belief of her value”
• “For her to have more courage to make friends”
• “For her to have 1 or 2 really good friends to depend on.”
• “For her to have more confidence to get outside her comfort zone.”
• “For her to have more trust in what she has to say (rather than others silencing or controlling her)”
• “For her to have more freedom to be who she is (without worrying about what others think)”
The big question now is how can you help get her there?
How can you achieve the goal that you’ve set for her?
One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received on reaching massive long-term goals occurred on my journey to get into shape.
When I left college, I was 25 lbs. over weight.
Zero physical activity.
Living off of junk food.
Feeling & looking an all-time low.
It was ridiculous.
I distinctly remember 6 months into my journey, one of my mentors telling me, “It’s not about experiencing one single setback. Just don’t fall into a fatal pitfall.”
The EXACT same thing is true in your family.
The reason you haven’t achieved your #1 goal yet is because it’s freaking hard to get there.
It’s going to take time. Sweat. Tears. And a lot of mistakes.
Your job is to avoid making a LIFETIME of bad choices.
So, I’m going to show you 3 more bad choices that I’ve made and how to avoid them.
Note: 12 months after graduating college, I lost ALL the weight and went to Hawaii to run 26.2 miles.
Mistake #1: Having it all figured out
So often the mom is the one who holds all of the behind-the-scenes knowledge about all of the many things involved in raising a kid.
The one who plans, who notices, who anticipates, who researches, who worries. This is often referred to as “the mental load.”
“The mental load” is not just one job though: it is pervasive. It applies to nearly all aspects of raising kids and managing a household. EVERYTHING.
This sounds great and makes a mom look like a super hero. But it’s completely ignorant of the way momming actually works.
I’ve fallen into this trap more times than I can count. Spending weeks (or even months) carrying the mental load of raising my girls and managing a household.
As soon as I go and try to execute everything, I fall apart immediately.
Instead of managing everything, you need to focus on one thing:
How present you are from one season to the next is one of the top indicators that she’ll succeed.
Girls are demanding. 2 weeks from now you’re going to be dealing with something completely different than what you are dealing with right now.
Capitalize on the opportunity to support her today and build momentum by being there for her NOW.
When you see the first efforts of your connection working, that will generate more momentum and give you the jump-start you need to stay focused and grow her confidence as she grows.
Mistake #2: Not trusting your parenting instincts.
In the age of Google, it is so easy to turn to books, websites, blogs (eek!), and Facebook friends for parenting advice.
Whatever question you have, there’s an answer for it on the Internet. Or, more accurately, a million answers.
That’s all well and good, to a certain extent. I’ve certainly benefited from the wisdom and experience of moms I’ve connected with virtually, and I love sharing my experience with others, too.
But all that external info shouldn’t come at the expense of our parenting intuition.
We know our children best, right?
SO STOP ASKING GOOGLE FOR ALL THE ANSWERS!!
Maternal instincts are strong, and generally they top whatever Mr. Google has to say.
The only answer you need is will it be meaningful with your daughter?
Instead of looking to Google for your answer to this.......
Talk with your daughter.
Once you get confirmation from her....
Start building her confidence together.
Mistake #3: Not taking care of yourself
For far too long the image of the sacrificial mom—you know, the one who gives up all her time, energy, and dreams for the sake of her children—was held up as the ideal.
These days we know better.
Indeed, in a study published this year in the Journal of Marriage and Family, researchers found that when parents (especially moms) are stressed, sleep-deprived, and anxious, it actually harms the children.
Spending time away from them in order to take care of ourselves, on the other hand, does no such harm.
So, go ahead and schedule that pedicure/coffee date/weekend getaway.
You’ll actually be a better parent for it.
What are you doing to take care of yourself?
Who is holding you accountable?
If your answer is “no one,” then stop and go get someone right now.
Get a moms group. Start one if you need to.
Hire a coach. Get a mentor.
It’s VITAL to you reaching your goal.
Avoid fatal pitfalls and do this instead
Most people believe they have to get lucky or outsource their daughter’s care taking in order to build a girl’s confidence that allows them to have less stress, more freedom and more happiness.
Instead, I’ve discovered that mindful presence that builds trust and openness is far more important if you want to reach your #1 goal.
Presence gives you the ability to bring a girl to you instead of you constantly having to hover over her (which completely changes the dynamic of your relationship).
Presence gives you the freedom to let go and launch her into a world you know she will survive.
Presence gives you the ability generate trust by having a conversation. (I’ve understood her biggest struggle with a simple conversation opener).
Presence gives you freedom by releasing you from the worry of HAVING to figure it all out to make sure she’s OK.
Next up, I’m going to show you how to start a conversation and how to use that conversation to reach your goal.
We’ll chat then.
PS: Your action item for today is two-fold:
Action item #1: Write your goal down on a piece of paper.
Action item #2: Now rip that piece of paper out of your notebook and tape it to the wall in front of your computer monitor.
Every time you spend 10 minutes on Twitter...
Every time you waste 2 hours on Facebook...
Every time you listen to another podcast or read another blog post...
Your goal will be staring you in the face and asking you “Why aren’t you spending time working on me instead of doing whatever else you’re doing?”
The final product should look like this…
Get to work. :)